the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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