Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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