The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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