She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just gift wrapped bread.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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