its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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