Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
