tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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