dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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