The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
