this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
