I just threw up on my dentist
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
