Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
