im drinking this country out of the recession.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
