In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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