She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
