So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
