im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
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