she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
