i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
