dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
