Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
