Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
