Is it normal to miss your booty call?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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