Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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