If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
