my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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