I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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