Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
