At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
