stop calling my apartment porn island.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
