Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
