I just gift wrapped bread.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
