I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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