I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
