we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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