i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
