I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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