Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
