im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
