i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
