There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
