and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
