Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
