did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
