the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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