the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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