So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
