note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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