i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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