Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
