Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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