there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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